Entered by subterranean passage from the Vault, via the underground sprinkler tank, and white-knuckle trampolene access through a trap-door, Haven guests will meet Charlene, our state-of-the-martial-arts receptionist who is a champion Sumo juggler and a black belt in tatting.

Once you are past Charlene, our Club manager, Russell, 3rd in the English Water Spaniel division at Crufts, will welcome you to Strainz with a cheery yap and a friendly lick.
Membership is only by recommendation of an existing member or by money. F.O.O.M’s are entitled to a free digestive biscuit per visit.

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| Fitness Assessment | Fitness Room | Steam Room | Strainzwear |

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Fitness Assessment

Before using our unique range of fitness equipment, such as the Multi-belter or the Xtragrym, patrons are required to undergo a simple and occasionally painless fitness screening. This will be carried out in complete confidentiality by our fully trained catering staff and the results displayed on the Club noticeboard.

Advanced fitness equipment, recently converted to electricity, is used to produce a full wallet assessment. If a patron survives the screening, he or she will be deemed fit enough to undertake a personal fitness training matrix. He will also find out if he is allergic to mushrooms.

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Back to Charlene in Reception

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Fitness Room

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Back to Charlene in Reception

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Steam Room

Lovers of mushrooms and a good mulch will enjoy the pungent, efficacious aromatic rolling mists of the Steam Room. Converted from an authentic airship gondola, patrons will catch occasional glimpses of airship memorabilia, but most of the time they won’t be able to see a damn thing.

All this stuff is copyright © Roger Penwill 2000 and all mistakes are his. All rights reserved. No reproduction without permission.
email:

roger@penwill.com